Lazy Sunday
I decided to stay in on Sunday in order to give my body the rest it needs for the coming week. So tonight, as I was binge watching tv all day, I couldn't help but watch all these commercials for fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis. The commercials weren't for the one I'm on (which is Simponi), but the possible side effects are all the same across the board.
I was brave enough to take this medication in the first place (it's barely my 2nd month on IV medication)...I don't like to be reminded that I might have a fatal heart attack every five minutes by a commercial....but that's what happened. It's the reality of this entire disease. You can't live with the disease and apparently you can't live with long term use of these medications that treat the disease. There's no escape apparently. I don't give up hope that maybe someday...one glorious day...that I might go into remission. It happens to people. As mysteriously as this disease came, it can also mysteriously go away. Only a lucky amount of people have experienced this. I have that hope even though I know the reality of the "numbers game" of RA. I believe in miracles...nothing or nobody is gonna take that away from me. So I decided, not too long ago, that I was going to live for the day.
Even though I constantly get reminded that my situation is serious, I have to pause and have a little "meeting" with myself. This little inner-meeting is to re-adjust my thinking. Just picture my brain as a small conference room where all my feelings are called to the meeting. Fear, anger, jealousy, sadness, happiness, joy, and the rest...they're all called to this important meeting. We're going to fire "fear" because it tends to be the ring-leader of havoc. It's ok to feel angry, sadness...but only for a moment, too much of that can turn into depression. A tiny bit of jealousy can sometimes give you that push to DO; for example, I get jealous of people running. Basic right? People run all the time...but when you can't even walk without complete and utter pain, jealousy can set in as you see the world racing past you. I see someone jogging and I get instantly jealous of their ability to run. I see a lady wearing high heeled shoes, I get a bit jealous because I had to give away all my high heels for the sake of my RA ravaged ankles. But I had to put this "jealousy" in its place. How? By pushing my body to do just a little more, eating healthier, losing weight to make it easier on my knees and ankles. I might not be running in heels, but I'm gonna try my best to be my best. But FEAR, that one needs to go!
So in sum, we all know that this is a very scary disease. There's no doubt about that. But your mindset will do wonders in dealing with it! Don't ever lose hope. I actually KNOW people who have had this disease and have gone into remission. It's not impossible. But in the meantime, I will not spend another minute with FEAR. I will savor the moments, spend time with my kids, go out on dates with my hubby, make memories, perhaps not get those beautiful high heels shoes but I will definitely get those new ADIDAS that I had my eye on! Most importantly for me, I also keep my faith...it serves as a foundation for my ability to conquer fear. I still have dreams to fulfill. I hope and pray that my random thoughts will speak to someone right now. I won't quit living this beautiful life. I will fight and pray for it everyday. I won't quit. EVER.
